Author Topic: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread  (Read 109348 times)

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Offline dean_saor

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #40 on: September 14, 2008, 08:14:43 PM »
I've often wondered whether Headline Subs do this on purpose - some do, I know, because I've asked.
Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
No door shut but another door opened

Offline dean_saor

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #41 on: September 14, 2008, 08:17:22 PM »
Yes, I think Harry Graham must have had a deeply subversive sense of humour.  :)
Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
No door shut but another door opened

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #42 on: September 14, 2008, 09:35:12 PM »


Imitations:

Willie poisoned his father's tea;
Father died in agony
Mother came, and looked quite vexed:
"Really, Will," she said, "what next?!"
 
     Willie saw some dynamite,
     Couldn't understand it quite;
     Curiosity never pays.
     It rained Willie seven days.

Making toast at the fireside
Nurse fell in the grate and died.
But what makes it ten times worse,
All the toast was burnt with Nurse.

"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #43 on: September 14, 2008, 10:18:05 PM »

After a few drinks:

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and
 said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front
door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't
matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline dean_saor

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #44 on: September 15, 2008, 05:26:11 AM »
The scansion reminds me a bit of Ogden Nash.  ;)
Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
No door shut but another door opened

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #45 on: September 15, 2008, 11:34:01 AM »
As in: Candy is dandy, but liquos is quicker?

Old Men
by Ogden Nash 
   
People expect old men to die,
They do not really mourn old men.
Old men are different. People look
At them with eyes that wonder when...
People watch with unshocked eyes;
But the old men know when an old man dies. 

The Ant
by Ogden Nash 
   
The ant has made himself illustrious
Through constant industry industrious.
So what?
Would you be calm and placid
If you were full of formic acid?
 
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline dean_saor

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #46 on: September 15, 2008, 02:11:17 PM »
I suppose I've never really grown up, as I still like these poets as I did when I was a boy.
Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
No door shut but another door opened

Offline dean_saor

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #47 on: September 16, 2008, 05:21:22 AM »
Song of the Fifth River

Rudyard Kipling

(in "Treasure and the Law", Puck of Pook's Hill)

Where first by Eden Tree
The Four Great Rivers ran,
To each was appointed a Man
Her Prince and Ruler to be.

But after this was ordained
(The ancient legends' tell),
There came dark Israel,
For whom no River remained.

Then He Whom the Rivers obey
Said to him: "Fling on the ground
A handful of yellow clay,
And a Fifth Great River shall run,
Mightier than these Four,
In secret the Earth around;
And Her secret evermore,
Shall be shown to thee and thy Race."

So it was said and done.
And, deep in the veins of Earth,
And, fed by a thousand springs
That comfort the market-place,
Or sap the power of King,
The Fifth Great River had birth,
Even as it was foretold--
The Secret River of Gold!

And Israel laid down
His sceptre and his crown,
To brood on that River bank
Where the waters flashed and sank
And burrowed in earth and fell
And bided a season below,
For reason that none might know,
Save only Israel

He is Lord of the Last--
The Fifth, most wonderful, Flood.
He hears Her thunder past
And Her Song is in his blood.
He can foresay: "She will fall,"
For he knows which fountain dries
Behind which desert-belt
A thousand leagues to the South.

He can foresay: "She will rise."
He knows what far snows melt
Along what mountain-wall
A thousand leagues to the North,
He snuffs the coming drouth
As he snuffs the coming rain,
He knows what each will bring forth,
And turns it to his gain.

A Ruler without a Throne,
A Prince without a Sword,
Israel follows his quest.
In every land a guest,
Of many lands a lord,
In no land King is he.
But the Fifth Great River keeps
The secret of Her deeps
For Israel alone,
As it was ordered to be.
Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
No door shut but another door opened

Offline Ta_Yu

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #48 on: September 17, 2008, 10:20:50 AM »
What a relief -- I found Sushi's Joke corner....

Hello everyone -- I really missed you guys.

Ta Yu
Nature has planted in our minds an insatiable longing to see the truth.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #49 on: September 17, 2008, 10:59:13 AM »
I suppose I've never really grown up, as I still like these poets as I did when I was a boy.

That's OK, there is a kid in all o us. :)
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #50 on: September 17, 2008, 11:08:16 AM »
Thank you Dean, I have never read that one before.
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #51 on: September 17, 2008, 11:14:18 AM »
What a relief -- I found Sushi's Joke corner....

Hello everyone -- I really missed you guys.

Ta Yu

Hi Ta Yu! Welcome. Glad you found us.
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline WindRiverShoshoni

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #52 on: September 17, 2008, 11:42:56 AM »
From one of my lawyers:

Fidelity Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better husband for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story ...







Always keep your condoms in your car.
It's too dark here.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #53 on: September 17, 2008, 02:41:32 PM »
And the moral of this story ...

LOLOLOL...

That is a great joke, WRS.
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline ArchieJ

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #54 on: September 17, 2008, 09:13:30 PM »
"I wiped my hands on the bedspread.">>

Dayamm.  That's nasty.  I only like clean sex.
We, the Jewish people, control America, and the Americans know it." - Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, October 3, 2001.

Offline ArchieJ

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #55 on: September 17, 2008, 09:15:29 PM »
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.">>

That's much cleaner.  I knew you could do it.
We, the Jewish people, control America, and the Americans know it." - Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, October 3, 2001.

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #56 on: September 18, 2008, 01:20:42 AM »
Don't act like you were a great detective Ta_Yu, I know all you did was click those red sparkled shoes and you were here.  ;D
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #57 on: September 18, 2008, 01:24:13 AM »
I didn't really get it.  Was he eating fried chicken while having sex? ???
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #58 on: September 18, 2008, 01:26:29 AM »
That's much cleaner.  I knew you could do it.

Comes from watching all those old Doris Day movies.
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline Effendi

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #59 on: September 18, 2008, 08:31:01 AM »
Hi Su, Hope all is well in the far north...

The Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. 

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone! I'm lost, and I need directions!"
In this media blitz we call cyberspace, clever poseurs on all levels claim that it’s not Jews, it’s Zionists; it’s not Jews, it’s Neocons; it’s not Jews, it’s Communists; it’s not Jews, it’s the Illuminati. All these labels are synonyms for Judaism, which is not really a religion, but a crime scheme