Author Topic: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread  (Read 109352 times)

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Offline NOLAJBS

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2008, 06:03:00 PM »
Cruise gone bad
            

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3   Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. 

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

... So they buried Debbie.
I support The Concept | "Freedom is a possession of inestimable value." - Cicero

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2008, 09:34:18 PM »
OMG!  :o
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline NewMath

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2008, 09:52:12 PM »
an old couple were sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs one afternoon.

it was a warm day, so the old man asked the old woman to get him a glass of lemonade.
as she walked by him to go into the house. as she passed him, the old man pinched her behind.
"what the hell did you do that for?", she asked. "you havent done that in years!"

if this thing could lay eggs", he said, "we could get rid of the chickens."

the old lady rolled her eyes. stupid old man, she thought to herself.

when she came back onto the porch with the lemondae, the old man reached up as she approached him, and squeezed her boob.
"now what in the hell has gotten into you today?" she demanded.

"you know, if these could still give milk, we could get rid of the cows, too", he reasoned.

...

after awhile, and a whole glass of lemonade, the old man had to use the bathroom.

when he got up, the old lady reached over, and grabbed his johnson.

"woman!" the old man screamed, "what are you doing?!?!?!"

"you know, if this thing could get hard...we could get rid of your brother."

Offline ArchieJ

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #23 on: September 12, 2008, 12:29:36 AM »
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy -  'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and his ears and I tink both his legs are broken'

Operator - 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy - 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'

Operator - 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.

After a minute:-
Operator - 'Are you there sir?'

Silence.

A minute later:-
Operator - 'Sir, can you hear me!!?'

This goes on for another few minutes until:- 
Operator - 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me!!?'

Paddy - 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'.
We, the Jewish people, control America, and the Americans know it." - Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, October 3, 2001.

Offline dean_saor

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #24 on: September 12, 2008, 06:52:31 AM »
from Harry Graham (1874`“1936) Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes (1898)

Tender Heartedness
Billy, in one of his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.

Indifference
When Grandmamma fell off the boat,
And couldn`t swim, and wouldn`t float,
Maria just sat by and smiled -
I almost could have slapped the child!

Compensation
Weep not for little Leonie,
Abducted by a French Marquis!
Though loss of honour was a wrench,
Just think how it's improved her French.

Calculating Clara
O'er the rugged mountain's brow
Clara threw the twins she nursed,
And remarked, "I wonder now
Which will reach the bottom first?"

Tragedy
That morning, when my wife eloped
With James, our chauffeur, how I moped!
What tragedies in life there are!
I'm dashed if I can start the car.

L'Enfant Glace
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire.
I never would have done so if
I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff.
My wife said: 'George, I'm so unhappe!
Our darling's now completely frappe!

Uncle
Uncle, whose inventive brains
kept evolving aeroplanes,
fell from an enormous height
upon my garden lawn last night.
Flying is a fatal sport,
uncle wrecked the tennis court.

Accident
"There's been an accident!" they said,
"Your servant's cut in half; he's dead."
"Indeed!" said Mr Jones, "and please
Give me the half that's got my keys."
Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
No door shut but another door opened

Offline dean_saor

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #25 on: September 12, 2008, 07:46:31 AM »
from Hillaire Belloc (1870-1953) Cautionary Tales for Children (1907)

Lord Finchley

Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light
Himself.
It struck him dead: And serve him right!
It is the business of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.
Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
No door shut but another door opened

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #26 on: September 12, 2008, 09:34:39 AM »
These oldies! LOL...  ;D
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #27 on: September 12, 2008, 09:42:00 AM »
There is something just not right about you guys today.
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #28 on: September 12, 2008, 09:51:37 AM »
LITTLE JOHNNY: THE WEE CHARMER
A door-to-door salesman comes-a-knocking and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, a beer in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.
The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mommy home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #29 on: September 12, 2008, 09:55:19 AM »
An Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."


I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #30 on: September 12, 2008, 09:57:23 AM »
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #31 on: September 12, 2008, 10:07:03 AM »
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends very late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's with the big brass gong?' one of the friends asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk slurred in response.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'How's it work?'
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He stumbled across the room, picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood in silence, looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot..it's three-fifteen in the morning!!'


I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #32 on: September 13, 2008, 12:03:55 AM »
That's cute.  ;D
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline WindRiverShoshoni

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #33 on: September 13, 2008, 06:11:38 AM »
Proofreading is a dying art ...

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
It's too dark here.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #34 on: September 14, 2008, 05:58:01 PM »

MY EX-WIFE THE PILOT



My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene
to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #35 on: September 14, 2008, 06:07:57 PM »
LOLOLOL.... : good luck :  ;D
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #36 on: September 14, 2008, 06:29:06 PM »
Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes

Wow, you are not kidding, just like the old Grimm and Anderson Fairytales.
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #37 on: September 14, 2008, 06:44:14 PM »

If you've ever had a problem with your computer

 

I was having trouble with my computer

So I called Braden, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks
like Mission Control,

and asked him to come over.

Braden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem.

As he was walking away, I called
after him,  'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T
error.'

I didn't want to appear
stupid, but nonetheless
inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it
again.'

Braden grinned....
'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?'

'No,' I
replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I
think you'll figure it out.'

"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
 

So I wrote
down: I D 1 0 T



I used to like the
little shit.

"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #38 on: September 14, 2008, 07:28:31 PM »
There is something just not right about you guys today.



AFFAIRS


The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM ...The man
hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his old wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied  'I'm having an
affair with my secretary... we had great
sex all afternoon. ''You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had
two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a
son. They decided to try one last
time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy. The joyful dad rushed
to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest
child he had ever seen.
He told his wife,
'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and
replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late
one night. He examined the body
of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz
had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented,
'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved
for posterity.'So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have
to show you,
something you
won't believe,' he
said to his wife opening
his briefcase. 'My God!' the
wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?!'

The 4th Affair:

A woman
was in bed
with her lover
when she heard
her husband opening
the front door. 'Hurry,'
she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum
powder. 'Don't you dare
move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend
you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the
husband inquired as
he entered the room.
'Oh.. it's a statue.' she
replied. 'The Smith's bought
one and I liked it so much I got
one for us, too.' No more was said,
not even when they went to bed. At
around 2 AM the husband got up, went
to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich
and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have
this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair:

A man
walked into
a cafe, went to
 
the bar and ordered
a beer. 'Certainly, Sir,
that'll be one cent.' 'One
 
Cent?' the man thought. He
glanced at the menu and asked,
'Hm how much for a nice juicy steak
 
and a bottle of wine?' -- 'A nickel,' the
barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the
man 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
 
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.
'The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with
your wife?'

The bartender replied, 'The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly,
'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


 
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #39 on: September 14, 2008, 07:40:41 PM »
They are all very good.
the last 5 especially:

  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 

"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.