Author Topic: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread  (Read 123732 times)

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Offline Sue

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Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« on: December 31, 2007, 10:34:48 PM »

................................................. New Year Quotations


Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.  Middle age is when you're forced to.  ~Bill Vaughn


An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.  ~Bill Vaughan


Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.  ~Author Unknown


A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.  ~Author Unknown


Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.  ~Benjamin Franklin


No one ever regarded the First of January with indifference.  It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left.  It is the nativity of our common Adam.  ~Charles Lamb


New Year's Day is every man's birthday.  ~Charles Lamb


Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it's twice as onerous a duty.  ~John Selden


Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.  ~Hal Borland


The merry year is born
Like the bright berry from the naked thorn.
~Hartley Coleridge


New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights.  ~Hamilton Wright Mabie


The Old Year has gone.  Let the dead past bury its own dead.  The New Year has taken possession of the clock of time.  All hail the duties and possibilities of the coming twelve months!  ~Edward Payson Powell


Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.  ~Oprah Winfrey


Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 1850


The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk.  This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.  ~P.J. O'Rourke


Every man should be born again on the first day of January.  Start with a fresh page.  Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.  ~Henry Ward Beecher


New Year's Day:  Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.  Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.  ~Mark Twain


The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows.  ~George William Curtis


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"


We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.  ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce


Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath.  Today, we are a pious and exemplary community.  Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.  ~Mark Twain


 
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.  ~Author Unknown


And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently pass'd
Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury -
Still, fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen.
~Thomas Hood


Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past.  Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.  ~Brooks Atkinson


Each age has deemed the new-born year
The fittest time for festal cheer.
~Walter Scott


Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.  ~Oscar Wilde


Glory to God in highest heaven,
Who unto man His Son hath given;
While angels sing with tender mirth,
A glad new year to all the earth.
~Martin Luther


A new oath holds pretty well; but... when it is become old, and frayed out, and damaged by a dozen annual retryings of its remains, it ceases to be serviceable; any little strain will snap it.  ~Mark Twain, speech in New York City, 31 March 1885


But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty?  I live according to twenty-year-old habits.  ~Andre Gide


I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on New Year's Day, don't you?  Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system.  Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover.  I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.  ~Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary


New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot.  Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.  ~Jay Leno


We meet today
To thank Thee for the era done,
And Thee for the opening one.
~John Greenleaf Whittier


One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this:  To rise above the little things.  ~John Burroughs


Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is the peal which rings out the Old Year.  ~Charles Lamb


A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I've played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.
~Edgar Guest


It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets.  ~William Thomas


We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched.  Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential.  ~Ellen Goodman


May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.  ~Joey Adams


He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;
He who makes one is a fool.
~F.M. Knowles


The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year.  It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes.  Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions.  Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.  ~G.K. Chesterton


I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the year's.  ~Henry Moore


Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year.  Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.  ~Thomas Mann


I made no resolutions for the New Year.  The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.  ~Anaïs Nin


Why won't they let a year die without bringing in a new one on the instant, can't they use birth control on time?  I want an interregnum.  The stupid years patter on with unrelenting feet, never stopping - rising to little monotonous peaks in our imaginations at festivals like New Year's and Easter and Christmas - But, goodness, why need they do it?  ~John Dos Passos, 1917


New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.  ~Mark Twain


Every man regards his own life as the New Year's Eve of time.  ~Jean Paul Richter


The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel.  Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.  ~W.H. Auden


« Last Edit: September 19, 2009, 07:53:09 PM by sushigirl »
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline bpocatch

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2008, 10:18:32 AM »
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the  instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.   

After he presented a number of different situations in which  they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"   

The student replied, "BIG ones."   

----
Sorry saw this in the comments on one of those video sites.  Unarmed guys takes away a knife from an attacker. Hmmm.

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2008, 11:23:03 AM »
Nice!  Thanks Sushi!  It now feels like New Years.
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2008, 01:46:03 PM »
Each year I resolve with the strongest intent
To be better this year than the last.
And I work very hard; the rules hardly get bent,
But this discipline gets old so fast!

But with this new year I just know I`ll win out,
Just watch how I do and you`ll see!
I`m not going to have yet another blowout;
I`ll be good as I know I can be.

But, if wicked things beckon, and I`m not so strong,
If I weaken and fall on my ast,
I`ll be thankful again that you`ll help me along
As you have during all new years past.

Happy New Year!
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2008, 01:48:01 PM »
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES.
 
THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.
"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
**********
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!"
*********
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?"
 
"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!!
*********
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED
AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.  WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
************
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED.... "I REMEMBER!!"
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2008, 03:09:13 PM »
Those are so cute!
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline NOLAJBS

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2008, 08:12:19 PM »
Ok, I'll contribute tonight. Here goes ...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when ...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4 . You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

Happy New Years!  8)
I support The Concept | "Freedom is a possession of inestimable value." - Cicero

Offline Proemio

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2008, 08:34:50 PM »
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when ...

1. False
2. True
3. False (refuse to call cell numbers)
4. False (there is no desk)
5. True
6. NA
7. False (don't have one, never will)
9. Maybe
10. False
11. False
12. False (rather ::)
13. False
14. True (actually false, but assumed it was a "normal oversight" <- mild term)
15. False (scrolled up to get each question before deleting them all)

3/15 Conclusion: No idea.

I have a client who got a company-blackberry recently. She was so proud, everyone needed to hear the good news - - - she's now doing her correspondence from home - - - at 11 pm or later. She'd probably vote Ron Paul, provided everyone else does...

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2008, 11:54:29 PM »
Ok, I'll contribute tonight. Here goes ...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when ...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years................................... done that not long ago.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4 . You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.......applies to a couple of them.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen...........................................Except for the outstanding Sidney, Australia fireworks, I rarely watch TV.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it..................................................................I do not own a cell phone... yet.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee..................................................Never without my cup of coffee, though I will turn it on.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.................................................................................I am.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

Happy New Years!  8)

"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2008, 11:56:23 PM »
Nice!  Thanks Sushi!  It now feels like New Years.

;D
"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2008, 11:30:41 PM »
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a
 husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
 shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'
 

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
 Strong Romantic Streak..

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely
as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

"At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2008, 02:00:21 AM »
Re: sushi_girl's joke thread (April 2008)  [ To: sushi_girl  |  Post 296425443, reply to 296425431 ] (Score: 2)


Here is a naughty one:




Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute,
really hot girl in his office, but she was
dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to
her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you
let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult
with her boy friend...so she called him and
explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money
really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened..........?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
'The s.o.b. had all quarters!



 
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2008, 02:04:55 AM »
From Sushi_girls joke thread on LF.  Thought I would pick up a couple in cache before they are gone.

Re: sushi_girl's joke thread (April 2008)  [ To: Oldman  |  Post 296425457, reply to 296418678 ] (Score: 2)


Flag to: Oldman, slackerslayer, america, dirar, frugivore


THIS IS AMAZING...AND I'VE NEVER HEARD IT PUT THIS WAY, BEFORE...

A friend sent this to me. It's been said that God first
separated the salt water from the fresh, made
dry land, planted a garden, made animals
and fish, all before making a human.
He made and provided what we'd
need before we were born.
These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners.....

God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God's Pharmacy! Amazing!

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look
just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots
greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers
and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with
lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each
grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research
today shows grapes are also profound
heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper
cerebrums and lower cerebellums.then the wrinkles or folds
on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know
walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen
neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and
yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

C elery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These
foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23 % sodium
and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough
sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones,
thus making them weak. These foods replenish
the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb
and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's
research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a
week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted
birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers.
And how profound is this? It takes
exactly nine (9) months to
grow an avocado from
blossom to ripened
fruit. There are
over 14,000 photolytic
chemical constituents of
nutrition in each one of these
foods (modern science has only
studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow.
Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and
increase the numbers of Sperm as
well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually
balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries.

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary
glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts
and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help
clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even
produce tears which wash the epithelial layers
of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic,
also helps eliminate waste materials
and dangerous free radicals
from the body.


 
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline america

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2008, 02:06:39 AM »
Re: sushi_girl's joke thread (August 2008)  [ To: twocents  |  Post 296430037, reply to 296430035 ] (Score: 2)


Flag to: sushi_girl

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf ...

Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh ... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'NO SHIT,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'



 
I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
Thanks guys!

Offline Sue

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Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2008, 09:38:48 AM »
    America, we shall just continue here:  ;D




    • Mick and Pat had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

      They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Pat?'

      Without a word Pat slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

      After a bit more rowing Pat slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

      Again Mick asks Pat, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Pat?' Once again Pat slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

      So on they row and row and row and finally Pat slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Pat breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Pat?'

      'Aye 'tis', says Pat. 'Hand me da shovel.'
    « Last Edit: September 11, 2008, 05:00:14 PM by sushigirl »
    "At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
    ...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

    Offline dean_saor

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    Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
    « Reply #15 on: September 11, 2008, 10:04:47 AM »
    That's unfair. He wouldn't have been that stupid...

    He'd have needed the pick first.  ;D
    Cha do dhùin doras nach d'fhosgail doras eile;
    No door shut but another door opened

    Offline america

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    Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
    « Reply #16 on: September 11, 2008, 11:33:00 AM »
     :D  Okay but no marquee I get sea sick!  I think it moves the wrong way?

    Good one.



    I want to post a little Johnny joke  ;D
    I have the entire uncensored version downloaded.
    Thanks guys!

    Offline Sue

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    Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
    « Reply #17 on: September 11, 2008, 04:49:04 PM »
    DON'T MESS WITH MOM


          The Childs Comments and Thoughts

    My son came home from school one day,
           With a smirk upon his face.
    He decided he was smart enough,
           To put me in my place.


    "Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
           that's taught by Mr. Wright?
    It's all about the laws today,
           The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'


    It says I need not clean my room,
           don't have to cut my hair
    No one can tell me what to think,
           or speak, or what to wear.


    I have freedom from religion,
           and regardless what you say,
    I don't have to bow my head,
           and I sure don't have to pray.

    I can wear earrings if I want,
           and pierce my tongue & nose.
    I can read & watch just what I like,
           get tattoos from head to toe.

    And if you ever spank me,
           I'll charge you with a crime.
    I'll back up all my charges,
           with the marks on my behind.

     Don't you ever touch me,
           my body's only for my use,
    Not for your hugs and kisses,
           that's just more child abuse.

    Don't preach about your morals,
           like your Mama did to you.
    That's nothing more than mind control,
           And it's illegal too!

    Mom, I have these children's rights,
           so you can't influence me,
    Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
           better known  as C.S.D."

     Mom's Reply and Thoughts

    Of course my first instinct was
           to toss him out the door.
    But the chance to teach him a lesson
           made me think a little more.

    I mulled it over carefully,
           I couldn't let this go.
    A smile crept upon my face,
           he's messing with a pro.

    Next day I took him shopping
           at the local Goodwill Store..
    I told him, "Pick out all you want,
           there's shirts & pants galore.

    I've called and checked with C.S.D.
           who said they didn't care
    If I bought you K-Mart shoes
           instead of those Nike Airs.

    I've canceled that appointment
           to take your driver's test.
    The C.S.D. is unconcerned
          so I'll decide what's best."

    I said "No time to stop and eat,
           or pick up stuff to munch.
    And tomorrow you can start to learn
           to make your own sack lunch.

    Just save the raging appetite,
          and wait till dinner time.
    We're having liver and onions,
           a favorite dish of mine."

    He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
           to watch on my VCR?"
    "Sorry, but I sold your TV,
           for new tires on my car.

     I also rented out your room,
           you'll take the couch instead.
    The C.S.D. requires
           just a roof over your head.

    Your clothing won't be trendy now,
           I'll choose what we eat.
    That allowance that you used to get,
           will buy me something neat.

    I'm selling off your jet ski,
           dirt-bike & roller blades.
    Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
           It's in effect today!

    Hey hot shot, are you crying,
           Why are you on your knees?
    Are you asking God to help you out,
           instead of C.S.D..?"

    Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers,
    or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who Will be parents
    someday ... OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ..... I love this One!!!
                        from a MOM (Mean Old Mother.)
    "At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
    ...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

    Offline Sue

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    Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
    « Reply #18 on: September 11, 2008, 05:08:28 PM »
    That's unfair. He wouldn't have been that stupid...

    He'd have needed the pick first.  ;D

    Ha, ha.... He must have done it the hard way.   ::)
    "At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
    ...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.

    Offline Sue

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    Re: Sushi's Jokes, Quotes, Tips and Poetry Thread
    « Reply #19 on: September 11, 2008, 05:47:58 PM »
    :D  Okay but no marquee I get sea sick!  I think it moves the wrong way?

    Good one.



    I want to post a little Johnny joke  ;D



    Dear Dad:

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself . Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your Grandchildren.

    Love, Your Son John


    PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
    "At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas which it is assumed all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to state this or that or the other, but it is "not done".
    ...Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with.